I always felt that being indifferent is equal to being strong. I was one of those, who had and still have this emotionless and detached face to offer at the hardest situations. For me, it was one of my key successes on my way to becoming a CEO.
I tried my best to suppress all my emotions. And this suppression increased as emotions ranged from being affectionate to being sad and being fearful respectively. I don’t even remember how many times I stunned my precious ones with my cold responses. My innate indifference shook them and slowly they all imagined it as one of my innate traits.
Meantime, I kept on enjoying my attitude which matched that of a psychopath. But it’s true that a human needs a support to move on, so I discovered that in someone. I cherished her appreciation and always connected my pleasure with her presence.
She brightened up my life and slowly the brightness of others in this life vanished. My mind lost its original connections and built up new ones. Subconsciously I connected everyone to as how she knew them, instead of how I knew them. My tree had only one big branch which further branched into many small branches. Everyone else lost importance in my world!
I didn’t care what they did and reacted only when she reacted. I supported her staunchly, but unfortunately I supported Only her!
It wasn’t that she wanted me to be that way; rather I could see she loathed the way I was shaping my life. My life continued and these new connections grew older. So old; that even the signs of the native ones got hazy just like the plane flies far away in a few seconds…becomes a spot…… and then it vanishes. And I was exactly at the third stage of this extinction of relations, until a few days ago.
Father’s day came this year; I saw it on television and even planned to through a small party for my father. This reflected my love for him like all other children love their fathers.
But somewhere deep down, I knew I was ready to throw a party for him not because of the usual ‘love’ that children have for their fathers. If it wasn’t love then what was it?
I searched and hunted for the answer to my simple query. But every time I asked myself, I got nothing back. I could draw the parallel of this to what I did to others. I offered an apathetic response to others…but now I realized how difficult it was to taste my own recipe.
Then I began to judge my feelings for all those I years I had never felt remorse or sorrow for hurting the people whom I loved. And now the reason was clear, I had detached myself. Except for that one support I cherished, I had convinced my mind slowly and gradually to disconnect myself with others, without realizing that this disconnection could be in other words ‘isolation’ for me.
Those people were hurt and I didn’t care. But you know what? They were yet so generous that they had accepted this cold, unconcerned and intolerable creature I had become. They didn’t hate me though they hated the attitude I showed them.
But what do I do now? Is it so easy to change myself? No, certainly not. Emotions can’t be built overnight. But yes! Those which are hidden deep inside can be scooped out and deep inside I loved him.
Now, my father’s day will be meaningful because now I know its meaning
‘Happy Father’s Day Dad!’